


Uncle Gwaine's Extremely Bad Day

by Clea2011



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Magical Pregnancy, Mpreg, Premature Birth, gwaine pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-01 08:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5198768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clea2011/pseuds/Clea2011
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwaine's life was a lot more fun before all his friends started settling down and, worse, reproducing.  They were all at it.<br/>When Alexander Emrys-Pendragon arrived he was right on time, and was absolutely perfect in every way.  If, you know, you liked babies.</p><p>Gwaine didn’t like babies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncle Gwaine's Extremely Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Mpreg fest on LJ. Many thanks to Deinonychus_1 for the beta. (Also many thanks to Polo for help with baby and fic naming).

 

Gwaine wasn’t the sort to settle down.

And it wasn’t that he’d actually settled down with Leon, it was just that when the lease on his flat was up he’d stayed with Leon for a few days because they were going out anyway. And those few days had turned into a few weeks, a few months… Okay, so he’d been living there for a couple of years now and they’d never split up because Gwaine just hadn’t felt like leaving yet. And anyway, Leon would probably look at him all sad and lost, and Gwaine hated it when anyone upset Leon so it was easier just to stay. And maybe all his things were there, all mixed up with Leon’s. But none of that meant he’d settled down. No. It was just that Leon had a really great apartment thanks to the whole being the son of someone important thing, and it was a bit big just for him so all in all Gwaine was doing him a favour. He really was.

Arthur Pendragon, Leon’s best friend and co-worker who lived just across the hall in his own even bigger and posher apartment, _had_ settled down.

Arthur had been fun when Gwaine had first moved in. They’d all gone down to the local pub on a Friday, played football on Saturday afternoon, then headed out to the clubs Saturday night and nursed their hangovers on the Sunday. Arthur pulled a different bloke every week, and was probably even less likely than Gwaine to settle down. In many ways he’d been a bit of a hero to Gwaine and a source of much eye-rolling for Leon. And then, one Friday evening, Arthur had walked into the Green Dragon for their regular drinks with his latest conquest in tow.

“Leon, Gwaine, this is Merlin,” he’d said. And then he’d looked at Merlin with such doe-eyed adoration, and Merlin had looked back at him with such a smitten expression that Gwaine almost thought he could hear violins playing. It was the most nauseating Friday evening Gwaine had ever spent.

And then, after that, it was always Arthur and Merlin.

Merlin didn’t play football. He sat on the sidelines looking cold and distracting Arthur, who no longer seemed to be capable of scoring goals like he used to because he was too busy watching his boyfriend. It was even worse than when Lance had met Gwen. In fact, Lance was probably in some way responsible for the cosiness, because Merlin and Gwen now regularly stood on the sidelines together, firm friends and probably plotting ways to get their respective blokes away from the football pitch as quickly as possible. Gwen was doing better on that count. She’d produced two rugrats already and Lance often had to miss footie because of some nappy crisis. At least Arthur wouldn’t be doing that. Hopefully. Though Gwaine wouldn’t put it past Merlin to want to adopt.

Arthur didn’t seem particularly inclined to go to nightclubs any more either, mostly because he seemed to want to spend the whole of Saturday night and all of Sunday in bed with Merlin. Sometimes he didn’t even turn up at the pub on a Friday either. It was depressing to see how far the mighty had fallen.

“It’s like you’re married,” Gwaine grumbled one Saturday afternoon when Arthur was rushing off after football practice because Merlin was cooking a special four-month anniversary dinner and he wanted to be sure to buy a good wine and pick up a few last minute ingredients Merlin had just texted him about.

Arthur stopped in the middle of stuffing his dirty football kit into his bag, and stared at Gwaine as if he’d just said the most amazing thing. “Married… That’s a _brilliant_ idea!” And he actually took Gwaine’s face in his hands and planted a huge kiss on his sweaty forehead before racing away, an enormous smile on his face.

And so, four months later, Gwaine was forced to wear a morning suit and usher people into a church. It wasn’t even as if he could find anyone else to blame for that one. Still, Leon looked pretty good in his suit, and Gwaine had never been the plus one of a best man before. And everyone did laugh when Gwaine hid the ring… eventually. Much, much later.

After that, it got worse. Gwaine found himself invited with Leon to Arthur and Merlin’s _dinner parties_. These were not parties in any way, shape or form that Gwaine recognised. They were, in fact, dinner. Delicious dinners, because Merlin was a very good cook, but still Gwaine was sitting around eating dinner and making polite conversation when he and Leon could have been in a club getting very drunk and generally having a good time.

Merlin, it seemed, was tasting too many of his own creations, because he wasn’t as slender as he used to be. Gwaine had several glasses of merlot, because Merlin and Arthur weren’t drinking anything and it seemed a shame to waste it, and pointed it out.

“You’re getting fat, Merls.”

And there it was again, that doe-eyed expression that Merlin and Arthur liked to turn on each other. Gwaine quickly took another swig of merlot.

“Oh, he’s not fat,” Arthur said fondly, taking Merlin’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “He’s pregnant.”

Gwaine emptied the glass, very quickly, and poured himself another. “What?”

Merlin blushed, lowered his gaze and stroked his hand over his stomach. “I’m… um… magical.”

Leon, of course, didn’t seem surprised. He’d probably known for ages, Gwaine realised. Merlin was one of those interesting but odd blokes who had magic, and were therefore able to bear children if they wanted to. The magic thing explained a lot. He’d probably bewitched Arthur into giving up his man-whoring ways and settling down. And now a baby. It was pretty unusual, but not unheard of. Gwen was having another one. She’d probably talked Merlin into it, to keep her company.

“Magical,” Gwaine repeated.

“We’ll be uncles!” Leon beamed happily.

 _Uncles._   It would be pipes, chunky cardigans and comfy slippers next.

Gwaine shuddered, picked up the bottle and kept hold of it. He tried not to look at Merlin’s stomach, but he couldn’t help it. Merlin was a man. And he was pregnant. That was _so_ many kinds of wrong.

“How’s it going to come out?” he blurted. “I mean… you’re…you’ve got…and no…” He gestured towards Merlin’s crotch, lost for words.

“C-section, obviously,” Leon told him. Yes, there was no doubt that Leon had known about this for ages. He’d probably been to the baby shops with them.

“We’re booked in for the 14th of April,” Merlin told him. Arthur took Merlin’s hand and they gazed lovingly at one another. Leon smiled happily at them, obviously delighted for his friend.

God, it was so nauseating.

\---

Alexander Emrys-Pendragon arrived right on time, and was absolutely perfect in every way. If, you know, you liked babies.

Gwaine didn’t like babies.

This one cried a lot the few times Gwaine was forced to hold it, and the second time he did so it pooed its nappies. Apparently that was funny. Gwaine didn’t think so. He didn’t appreciate the thing being laid out on a plastic mat on the floor and said nappy opened up so that everyone could see _and smell_ the yellowy mess that was inside. Gwaine didn’t think he could look at a chicken korma in the same way ever again.

Arthur, who had been glorious on the football pitch, who could drink even Gwaine under the table, and who had so many notches on his bedpost that it was a wonder it didn’t collapse… Yes, that same Arthur was lifting up the baby’s legs and cleaning off its bum whilst cooing at the rugrat as if it had done something extremely clever.

Worse, Leon was helping him. In fact, Leon looked quite happy to be helping, and was smiling at the baby almost as fondly as Merlin and Arthur did.

It was depressing.

“What about next Saturday’s match?” Gwaine asked hopefully. “Anyone up for it? Elyan’s trying to get a team together?”

“Mum’s coming down,” Merlin told him.

Merlin’s mother seemed to be down every other weekend.

“She could look after the baby,” Gwaine pointed out. “Isn’t that what grandmas are for? Come on, you haven’t been to a match in ages, Arthur.”

The baby burped and gurgled, and Arthur beamed at it happily. “Aw, that’s better isn’t it?”

It was tragic. Arthur had been right up there with the greats. And now he was just a great big sap.

“I’m going out for a bit,” Gwaine announced to nobody in particular. He wasn’t surprised when they didn’t even look up.

Fortunately, by the time he arrived home many hours later, Arthur, Merlin and the baby had gone home. It was probably the baby’s bedtime or something. It was nearly six o’clock on a Saturday night, after all.

Babies, evidently, were the end of any kind of life. He wished this one would stop interfering with his.

\---

The baby thing didn’t go away. In fact, it got worse. It hit a new low one day when the creature had been around for about two years. There had been a horrendous birthday party with several other screaming infants a couple of months before, and a big sign on the front door saying ‘Happy 2nd Birthday Alex’, so Gwaine knew it was two years. Leon had gone along to it. Obviously Gwaine would have liked to but he’d thought up a good excuse and managed to be out all that afternoon. But that wasn’t the end of it.

“Arthur and Merlin have asked me to be Alex’s godfather,” Leon announced over dinner one evening a few weeks later. “Isn’t that great?”

Gwaine had been enjoying his steak and chips up until that point. “Godfather? What… like the film?”

Leon rolled his eyes. “You know what a godfather is. Morgana’s going to be godmother.”

“Arthur hates her!”

“Not really, and she adores her nephew.”

Everyone, it seemed, adored the baby except for Gwaine. “Do I have to come to the… there’s a thing at the church, right?”

“Christening, yes. And yes you do. They were thinking of asking you as well.”

Gwaine actually dropped his knife in shock. “What? Me? Why? I don’t like babies!”

“No, we’ve noticed. But they thought, you know, they should ask both of us. As a couple.”

“Oh.”

That was the sort of comment that always made Gwaine want to get up and run out of the building, and then keep running and running until he was so far away that nobody would ever think he was part of a couple, or tied down, or _settled_ , or anything like that. But their flat was warm and clean and comfortable, and he didn’t want to leave it. And there was Leon who was also warm and clean and comfortable, and something else as well that Gwaine just didn’t want to think about because that was just scary. He could leave. He could leave at any time. It just didn’t suit him to do so.

“I didn’t think you’d want to though.”

Gwaine relaxed again. He could always count on Leon to put people right.

“But I was thinking,” Leon continued.

Gwaine suddenly noticed that they’d got the better dinner set out, and there were candles on the table and the lights had been dimmed. That often happened if Leon was feeling romantic, and usually led to a most excellent night of great sex and not much sleeping. But Gwaine had noticed a bottle of champagne chilling in the fridge, and Gwaine’s favourite dessert in there too. It wasn’t Gwaine’s birthday for months…

“We’ve been together for five years now…”

Five years. _Five years!_ How the hell did that happen? Gwaine felt his heart beat faster, he had a horrible idea that he knew where this was going. But… _five years!_ That was so settled. So, so settled. Oh crap, and this meant it was their anniversary and he’d forgotten. But then, he always forgot. Arthur always had to remind him when Leon’s birthday was coming up or he’d forget that too. But five years…

“And we’re happy, right?”

“Yes,” Gwaine said, and it came out as a little squeak. “Happy. Yes.”

“And I know you have a thing about commitment…”

“Yes.” Yes he did. So Leon was absolutely not going to propose, he really, really wasn’t. Gwaine held his breath. He liked his life, and Leon was the best thing in it. He didn’t want to run away. But the thought of standing up in front of all their friends and swearing to love and honour and… oh god, surely Leon didn’t need him to do that? Leon knew what he was like, and accepted it, and that was why they worked so well together. He wasn’t going to propose. He absolutely was _not_ going to. Five years! _Five whole years!_

“But Merlin and Arthur are so happy with Alex, and Alex is so cute. And you know how Merlin has magic, and that’s how he had Alex…”

“Well no, obviously I thought it was a perfectly natural thing and all men had babies,” Gwaine quipped as sarcastically as he could.

“Merlin has magic,” Leon repeated patiently. “And he’s pretty powerful. And he’s offered, if we wanted, to help us.”

Gwaine narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t enjoying his steak and chips at all any more. This was the worst special anniversary meal ever. “Help _us_?”

“Yes,” Leon said brightly. “He says there’s a spell and one of us could carry a baby just like he did. Isn’t that incredible?”

Gwaine gaped at him. Suddenly the proposal he’d thought was coming seemed a much nicer option. “A baby?”

“Yes.”

“Us?”

“Yes. Well, I’d be the one having it, obviously, I know I’m the one who really wants this. But I’d only want to do it if you were up for it too.”

Gwaine was having trouble thinking of anything to say. “A baby?” he managed eventually.

“Look, it’s our five year anniversary, we should have champagne,” Leon said hurriedly, getting up and heading for the fridge.

Gwaine needed that champagne. He thought he might have the whole bottle.

“Obviously the baby’s just something to think about for now,” Leon added.

Gwaine thought about it. All night he thought about it, and when he finally fell asleep at around 4am he started having nightmares about Alien-type monsters bursting out of Leon’s chest in a sea of chicken korma and looking at Gwaine and burping.

“I don’t want an alien baby!” he told Leon in the morning. “I’m not ready.”

Leon just nodded, as if he hadn’t expected anything else. Because Leon was great like that, and completely got Gwaine, and Gwaine knew he wouldn’t push him or even mention it again. That was why they worked so well. But he did look a bit sad as he headed off to work, and Gwaine was surprised at how bad that made him feel.

But Gwaine wasn’t one for children, or anything that disrupted his comfortable routine. And it was a bit selfish, but he couldn’t help the way he was. Anything else was going to make them both miserable. There was also the danger. It might be safe enough for a magic-user like Merlin, but the thought of Leon going through something like that filled Gwaine with dread. What if something went wrong? What if he lost Leon? But he didn’t tell Leon that, because Leon would just come up with a thousand reasons why he was willing to take the risk.

It didn’t help, a couple of months later, when they were round at one of Arthur and Merlin’s dinner-completely-not-a-party things, and Merlin announced that they were having another one. Arthur, Gwaine noticed, didn’t look entirely happy about it. Probably missing all the fun he used to have when he was single, Gwaine supposed.

Leon just looked pleased for them, and congratulated them, and didn’t look at Gwaine at all. Instead, he followed Merlin out to the kitchen, supposedly to help clear up, but Gwaine knew it would be to enthuse about godchild number two.

“You don’t look pleased about this baby,” Gwaine ventured, slumping down on the sofa beside Arthur. “One enough?”

Arthur shifted, reached behind him to pull out a yellow plastic brick that must have been stuck behind the sofa cushion, and put it down on the coffee table. There were toys all over the flat, had been ever since Alex had started crawling. “It’s a girl this time,” Arthur explained, as if that were reason enough.

“Bummer.” But a baby was a baby. Both sexes were equally awful as far as Gwaine was concerned. It would still scream and cry and stink and produce chicken korma sauce, and stop Arthur joining them in the pub. Not that Arthur was any fun nowadays even when he turned up.

“Wonderful, actually,” Arthur said. “Except it’s dangerous for Merlin. The magic doesn’t work well like this. The regular spell for this works so that we’d always have boys, and two women would always have girls. Merlin did something, cast another spell because he knew I wanted a little girl. But I didn’t want one this much. I wish I’d never said anything, I didn’t think he’d do this. What if it goes wrong? What if something happens to him? God, Gwaine, what the hell would I do without him?”

Arthur was leaning back, rubbing his eyes wearily. He looked as if he might cry, and Gwaine really wasn’t good with that sort of thing. He had no idea what to say, and when Leon and Merlin came back in right at that moment he didn’t think their timing could have been better. Arthur jumped up quickly, moving to take the drinks from the tray Leon was carrying, smiling far too brightly and urging Merlin to sit down.

Gwaine thought about it later, lying in bed unable to sleep, listening to Leon’s steady breathing beside him. He knew exactly what Arthur meant, and that scared him a little. He didn’t know what he would do without Leon either. Not that he’d settled down or anything. No, it was just that Leon was his best friend as well as his boyfriend, and was always there, steady and reliable. Gwaine would miss him. Horribly.

It settled one thing. Gwaine was absolutely certain he was never, ever going to agree to let Leon take part in that freakish baby spell he wanted Merlin to do. Never.

\---

Sometimes, because he had a big important job and was very responsible, Leon had to go away for conferences and the like. He’d had to do it more since Alex had come along, because he worked with Arthur and Arthur couldn’t bear to be away from his little family for long. Leon, on the other hand, always said that Gwaine was probably glad of a night to himself.

It wasn’t true, but Gwaine never told him that. There were lots of things that he never told Leon. Like the fact that nowadays he’d rather spend a night at home with Leon and a takeaway and a movie and a fridge full of chilled beer than down in a club full of strangers where the music was loud and not as good as it had been six years ago when he was out on the pull. Like the fact that aside from his fears for Leon he also didn’t want the child Leon longed for because he was frightened that he wouldn’t be able to cope with it, and that it would end up estranged from him like he was his own father. Like the fact that, had Leon actually proposed on that anniversary evening, Gwaine was no longer certain what he would have said. But Leon would never propose, because he thought he knew Gwaine too well.

Gwaine wasn’t sure he knew himself that well, by then.

In the flat across the hallway, Merlin’s waistline had been steadily expanding. The scheduled C-section for the arrival of the daughter was still nearly two months off, but Arthur stayed close by. It meant Leon had to be the one to go away for a long weekend at a business convention in Denmark.

Gwaine had spent Friday evening in the pub with Elyan and Percival, both of whom had rushed off after an hour to their respective partners. And then there had been a choice between a club by himself, which wasn’t much fun if you weren’t actually trying to hook up with someone, or a night on the sofa by himself with the TV and a late night call from Leon.

On the bright side, he got to sleep in on Saturday morning, which Leon rarely let him do. He was eventually woken at midday by a loud hammering on the front door.

Loud hammerings on the front door had been a common occurrence when Gwaine was growing up, on the run-down estate where his family had lived. Since he’d moved into Leon’s spacious and somewhat posh and expensive apartment, he couldn’t recall it ever happening. In fact, as Gwaine staggered to the door, bleary-eyed and still half-asleep, as they were on the fourth floor of a building that boasted an actual security guard, and that had rules about noise that Gwaine had fallen foul of more than once, he wondered why it was happening at all.

Arthur was on the other side of the door, his hand raised to start hammering again.

“What?” Gwaine mumbled.

“Oh, it’s you,” Arthur said, looking confused for a moment. He looked Gwaine up and down, obviously taking in the fact he was still wearing his pyjama bottoms and not a lot else.

“Yes, I live here,” Gwaine replied, a little put out. Also he was a little wary. Arthur looking quite harassed, and Gwaine wondered if he’d somehow fallen foul of the noise regulations again and disturbed Arthur’s precious family.

“Where’s Leon?”

“Out. Conference. Denmark. You know, you work with him?”

“Oh god!” Arthur did, Gwaine thought, actually look distraught. “I need him to look after Alex.”

“He’s in Denmark,” Gwaine repeated.

“Well…” Arthur glanced back to the open door of his flat. “You’ll have to do it. Please Gwaine, it’s an emergency.”

“Do what?”

Arthur seemed to somehow take that as consent. He vanished back into his own flat and then reappeared a few moments later with the _small child_ in his arms. Merlin had followed him out. He was hunched over, holding his stomach, wincing with pain. It didn’t take a genius to work out that there was something very wrong with his pregnancy. Gwaine stared, not sure what to do. Leon was the one who was good in a crisis, not him.

“Alex,” Arthur said to his son. “You know Uncle Gwaine. He’s going to look after you for a very short time until your Uncle Leon comes home.”

“Arthur!” Merlin called. “Hurry up!”

Arthur thrust Alex at Gwaine, who took him because the only other option would have been to drop him.

“I’ll call when there’s news. You’ve got Leon’s key?”

Gwaine nodded.

“Great, go in the flat for whatever you need. Be good!”

Gwaine wondered if Arthur was talking to him or to Alex. But Merlin looked terrible, and Alex was looking back at his parents worriedly, his face crumpling as Merlin gave a small cry of pain. Gwaine quickly closed the door, and set the little boy down.

Alexander Emrys-Pendragon, which was a bloody long name for someone who was only about 2 feet high, looked up at him with big blue eyes. He looked like a miniature blonde Merlin, which was a bit disconcerting.

“Daddy hurt,” Alex told him. “Daddy be okay?”

“Daddy’s going to be fine,” Gwaine assured him, praying that was the truth. Merlin wasn’t due yet. Merlin wasn’t due for nearly two months, Gwaine knew that because Leon and Merlin were always going on about it. “He just needs to go to the doctor for a while.”

“I’m gonna be big brother,” Alex announced proudly.

“Yes.” Gwaine wasn’t sure what else to say. What did you say to a three year old? Or two year old? Three… Gwaine was fairly sure he was three now. There’d been another party. He and Leon were heading for six years, in that case. Maybe this year Gwaine would make an effort instead of Leon? Take him out to dinner or something to make up for the disappointment of the baby thing last year? Gwaine still felt a bit guilty, and Leon still looked a bit sad sometimes.

“I’m hungry!”

It was, Gwaine supposed, lunchtime. Breakfast time for Gwaine, but mealtime nonetheless. He looked down at his small charge and wondered what he ate. He’d seen Merlin and Arthur take Alex out to restaurants. It was probably okay to feed him food. When did they stop having bottles? Gwaine wondered if he should google it.

“Don’t touch anything,” he warned Alex, leaving him in the lounge for a few minutes. “I won’t be long.

He opened up his laptop while he was pulling on some clothes, and googled.

_What do three year olds eat?_

The answer was quite depressing. Gwaine was pretty sure he hadn’t eaten snacks of carrot sticks and hummus when he was three. Or salmon bagels, though those did sound quite good. He had some bags of crisps in the cupboard, but those weren’t on the list. Still, he knew the perfect place. And Gwaine could have breakfast out of it too.

Actually, it was probably too late for breakfast. But that was okay, Gwaine could just have a big lunch to make up for it. And MacDonald’s definitely served kids, he’d seen them in there. That would be okay. He could feed the kid. Maybe Arthur would ring someone else when he got to the hospital and Merlin was taken care of. Maybe he’d realise Gwaine would be useless at this and ring Merlin’s mum, or Arthur’s sister, or even Arthur’s dad because although he was scary he totally doted on his grandson.

Gwaine was about to ring Morgana and tell her to pick her nephew up, when there was a loud crash from the other room. _Shit_. Leon kept the place kid-proof, because he was always letting Alex have the run of the flat. But Leon wasn’t there and Gwaine had left the place in a mess before he collapsed into bed the previous night.

It was only the pile of DVDs he’d left on the coffee table. Alex had managed to knock most of them on the floor, and was holding one with a brightly coloured cover. It was, Gwaine realised, hardcore gay porn. Leon, Arthur and then Merlin were all going to kill him if they ever found out about this.

“Pretty!” Alex declared.

Gwaine quickly took it away, and put it up on the top shelf of the bookcase. “Never mind about that. I’m taking you for lunch. Bet you’d like a happy meal, right Al?”

Alex gazed up at him. “Is daddy back soon?”

Gwaine really, really hoped so. He hadn’t liked the look of Merlin earlier. All his nightmares about Leon and the alien baby were coming back to haunt him. But he wasn’t going to think about it, it was too worrying. He had a three year old to take care of.

“Yes, I’m sure they’ll be back soon.” He wished Leon was there. Leon would be able to say calm and reassuring things. And deal with the kid. “Where’s your coat?”

\---

The meal didn’t look particularly happy to Gwaine. It consisted of 3 fish fingers, a bag of fries (the assistant had looked at him disapprovingly when he’d chosen that instead of the carrot sticks) and a drink. And for an additional 49p he could have a fruit bag, which was apple slices (or carrot sticks, but Gwaine wasn’t actually cruel), so he got one. But there was a toy.

Gwaine had two large burgers and a bag of fries himself, but no amount of arguing had got him a toy as well. Apparently if he wanted one he would need to buy another kids meal. It was bias against adults, he grumbled to Alex as they sat down. Alex wasn’t interested, too busy trying to get the brightly-coloured cardboard box open. Gwaine managed to rescue it before it went the way of the DVDs, and set the food out in front of him. But all Alex wanted was the toy.

It was a fine toy as well, a wind up frog figure from some new cartoon that hopped across the table. And Alex wanted it wound up again, and again. Gwaine’s burgers were going cold.

“Eat your dinner,” he advised, around a hastily-stuffed mouthful.

“Frog again!”

“Food first.”

“Frog!”

“If you don’t eat your dinner I’ll take the toy away.” Gwaine paused, looking down at Alex’s mutinous expression, and relaying what he’d just said in his head. He sounded like a strict and horrible parent. Across the aisle, a woman with two small and very noisy children smiled at him in weary sympathy, then continued trying to stop her older child from stealing the younger child’s lunch.

Alex gripped the frog tightly in one hand, and started on the fish fingers with the other.

It was gross. Over the next ten minutes, somehow he managed to get the food all over his face, on his sleeves, even in his hair. Gwaine had a couple of napkins from the dispenser, but they weren’t much good.

In desperation, he wound up the frog again, and quickly rang Leon while Alex was distracted. The phone rang a couple of times, then Leon answered.

“Hi.”

“Help me!” Gwaine gasped. “Merlin’s gone into…” he glanced across at Alex who had looked up at the sound of his daddy’s name. “Um… there’s complications. Arthur’s left Alex with me. What do I do? He’s got food everywhere and I don’t know when Arthur’s coming back.”

“Complications? What, with the baby? Is he okay?”

“I don’t know. I hope so. Arthur’s going to ring me. He’s at the hospital. But what do I do with the kid? I don’t know how to look after one.”

“I’ll see if I can get hold of Arthur, find out what’s going on. He must be going through hell.”

“Yeah. I can’t really talk about it. Little ears.” Actually, they weren’t particularly little. Poor kid had inherited the jugs that stuck out either side of Merlin’s head.

“Okay. Ring Lance and Elyan. See if they’re up for football with their kids in the park. Explain what’s happened. Alex’ll love it, and that’ll fill the afternoon and wear him out. If Arthur’s not back, cook him some dinner, and find a cartoon on Netflix. He likes Disney.”

“Disney,” Gwaine repeated. “And what do I feed him? He’s destroyed fish fingers and I haven’t got any carrot sticks!”

“What?”

“Carrot sticks. Google says I have to feed him carrot sticks and hummus. Isn’t that child abuse?”

He could hear Leon laughing on the other end of the phone.

“He likes them. Just feed him normal food, Gwaine. Nothing fancy or spicy. Scrambled egg on toast would be okay. Or pasta and side salad. Plain and simple food. Go and raid Merlin’s fridge if there’s nothing in ours, they won’t mind. And stay away from google, ring me or Gwen if you’re stuck.”

“Can’t you come home?” Gwaine knew he was whining, but he didn’t care. It was time for dirty tactics. “I miss you sooooooo much!”

“Yeah, I bet you do. Flight’s tomorrow morning. Just call me if there’s a problem. Oh, and use my car if you’re taking Alex anywhere. It’s got a child seat, and it’s bigger and safer than yours. And drive it carefully. I want Alex and the car both in one piece when I get home. And you, I suppose.”

Leon’s car. Things were brightening up after all. Leon never drove it properly, and he rarely let Gwaine anywhere near it.

“Promise!” Gwaine grinned into the phone. Leon had a bit more advice to dispense, and by the end of the call Gwaine thought he could probably manage after all. It sounded quite easy when Leon talked about it. And it wasn’t as if Leon was a dad or anything. If he could do it maybe Gwaine could too.

It took ages to walk back to the apartment even though it was only a few streets away. Alex’s little strides were a fraction of the length of Gwaine’s and it felt like a crawl.

“Need peepee!” Alex announced, still more than a street away.

They were passing a café but home wasn’t far.

“You can hang on, right?” he asked.

“Need peepee!”

Yeah, Gwaine thought, he was right about kids. This one was so demanding, wanting feeding, then wanting to play with the toy when he’d got the food, now wanting the toilet… He was definitely right not to want one with Leon. Especially with Leon being away pretty much every other month, this sort of thing would become the norm. And then there was Merlin, and how bad he’d looked earlier. Gwaine pulled out his phone to check it, but there was nothing from Arthur yet.

“Peepee!” Alex gazed up at him plaintively.

“We’re nearly home. Hang on,” Gwaine picked him up and carried him back to the apartment block, Alex still complaining that he needed to go. “Come on, you’ve got a young bladder, you can hold it in. Can’t be that bad.”

And, they did almost make it. But as he hurried past the newspaper kiosk on the corner he suddenly felt something warm and wet soaking his hand, up his arm and through his shirt.

“Oh no, you didn’t…”

Alex started to cry, because yes he had and now apparently he wanted Daddy. Loudly.

It was rapidly turning into the very worst day ever, as far as Gwaine was concerned. He took the crying, sopping child straight back into Merlin and Arthur’s flat and put him in the bath.

“I don’t suppose you still want peepee after that lot,” he grumbled. Alex stared at him, but at least had stopped crying. “Let’s have those clothes, I’ll hose you down then find some clean ones. Gross.”

Alex wasn’t the only one who was going to need clean clothes. Grumpily, Gwaine stomped through the flat, heading for Alex’s room but doing a quick detour into the kitchen to put the wet clothes in the washing machine.

The kitchen was a mess. There was food left out on the side, half-made sandwiches, a milk carton dropped on the floor and spilled everywhere, and what looked as if it might be a few drops of blood trailing towards the door.

Maybe his problems weren’t so bad after all. Arthur still hadn’t called.

He bundled the clothes in the washing machine and went in search of clean ones before Alex started complaining he was cold. But he couldn’t leave the kitchen in that state, not if Merlin wasn’t okay. That would be the last thing Arthur needed to come back to.

He managed to get Alex clean (and himself even wetter because apparently having the shower head used like a hose was funny and involved a lot of splashing and shrieking) and dry and sat in front of the TV, and then dealt with the kitchen and the washing machine.

By the time he’d finished, showered, and changed, he was ready to go back to bed himself. But Alex was jumping up and down because Gwaine had stupidly mentioned before the peepee incident that they’d be going to the park and that time was obviously right now.

He unlocked his phone, and made the first of several calls.

“Lance, it’s Gwaine. You’ve got to help me…”

\---

An hour later and they were all in the park, kicking a ball around. Gwaine had made sure Alex had gone before they left the flat, and again when they arrived at the park, and had even remembered to bring along the potty. In fact, he didn’t think he was going to let it out of his sight until he’d given Alex back. So far he couldn’t see anything fun at all about having a kid in tow. Alex had even taken all the joy out of driving Leon’s car, because Gwaine didn’t seem to have the same urge to go at 90 miles an hour down the dual carriageway with the little boy chattering away trustingly in the back seat.

At least when they got to the park, Lance and Gwen were already there with their brood and that quelled a little of the panic he’d been feeling. He was hoping they’d take Alex, but that was dashed as soon as he lifted his charge out of the car, and Gwen started cooing that he was doing really well and looked a natural.

She clearly was a very deluded woman and needed glasses.

It was soon shaping up to be the most rubbish game of football ever. Lance and Gwen’s twin girls were the only two with even a modicum of skill, being slightly older than the others at six. Elyan and Mithian’s two year old could barely toddle after the ball and kept falling over. Alex and Tom, Lance and Gwen’s youngest, teamed up against the girls. Gwaine found himself captain of the boys team with Elyan, against Lance and his three girls (because Gwen wasn’t going to be left out).

It was horribly one-sided and very confusing at first. Despite being on the other team, Lance kept kicking the ball to Tom. Tom would stand there with Alex looking at it, until one of Tom’s sisters kicked it away from him. They at least understood that there was something to be won and were going for it, unlike anybody else. In the end, Gwaine lifted Alex up onto his shoulders, took the ball himself and dribbled it all the way to the makeshift goal (two coats). As the only defence was a teddy bear, it wasn’t too difficult to shoot and score, and then do a victory dance. That lasted at least 30 seconds before Lance lifted Tom up and did the same thing.

After that, the battle was on. It was surprisingly satisfying to outmanoeuvre Lance with a kid cheering you on very enthusiastically, especially as Lance had to contend with three of them who all wanted a ride. Although Elyan swapped sides to help out it was no contest.

“Unca Gwaine’s the _best!”_ Alex yelled, clinging onto Gwaine’s hair a bit too tightly.

“He’s obviously very good at this,” Lance agreed. “We’ll put you down for babysitting ours next.”

 _Three_ of them. No way. Next time Leon left the country, Gwaine was going with him.

“Ah, no, we’re just having a boys’ weekend, right Alex?”

Alex pulled his hair happily, and Gwaine tried not to wince.

And then, finally, his phone rang. One look at the caller ID told him who it was.

“Hi Arthur,” he said, crouching so that Elyan could lift Alex off him. “How’s Merlin?”

He could see all their worried faces looking at him. The light-hearted football game had just been a cover, he realised, something to take all their minds off the real worry. No wonder they’d all been so keen to come out.

“He’s fine, just a bit tired,” Arthur replied, and Gwaine gave them all a thumbs up and saw all their expressions turn to relief. “And we’ve got a little girl. She’s quite small because of being premature and needs a lot of help, but she’s doing okay so far. How’s Alex?”

“We’re playing football with Lance and Elyan. We won, obviously.”

“Obviously. Listen, sorry for dumping him on you, but it was an emergency. Thanks for taking care of him. I can call Morgana, she won’t mind if you take him to hers.”

It was a get-out, but Gwaine didn’t take it. He was quite looking forward to showing Leon that he could actually do this without messing up. “I’m fine. We’re having a boys’ weekend. Gonna watch _Rise of the Guardians_ and _Frozen_ and things later.”

“Seriously?”

Gwaine was a little insulted at Arthur’s incredulous tone. “Yeah. I need a bit of Disney in my life.”

“Guardians isn’t… no, never mind. Really? You don’t mind watching him a little longer? Well thanks, I’d rather he was in his own bed tonight. I’ll pop back in about an hour to pick up some things, I can run through everything he needs with you.”

“No problem,” Gwaine assured him, though he did wonder. “Uncle Gwaine’s the best, right Alex? Tell Papa.” He held the phone down to the little boy, who duly shrieked into it excitedly.

Well, Gwaine reasoned, if that had deafened Arthur then it served him right for not warning Gwaine about the peepee.

\---

The rest of the day didn’t go too badly.

Alex was exhausting, there was no question. But Gwaine was quite pleased when Arthur arrived at the flat and found them both sprawled across the sofa watching _Finding Nemo._ He gave Gwaine a long list of things to remember to provide Alex with, including night nappies, but as Alex was obviously clean, fed and entertained, and he could get back from the hospital in about 20 minutes if he needed to, Arthur left them to it.

Gwaine got to see Frozen, and play about 15 games of some dire shape matching game, and meet Henry the frog, a large soft toy who was apparently going to be best friends with the toy from MacDonalds. He’d read from a tattered and chewed book that had one word on every page, and cooked dinner, eaten dinner, cleaned Alex after he’d also eaten dinner and decorated himself and the table with it, and finally, _finally_ reached bedtime and Gwaine could have some time to himself. Except…

“Story!” Alex demanded.

Well, it wasn’t as if Gwaine had anything better to do. He eyed the books on the little bookshelf in Alex’s room. “Which book?”

“Daddy and Papa. No book.”

“You mean how Daddy met Papa? Is that what they tell you?”

“Yes,” Alex beamed up at him. It was fairly angelic, he could see why people liked the kid. And he could manage this.

“Okay, one day Arthur…”

“Once ‘pon time. That’s the start,” Alex told him.

Of course it was. “Once upon a time,” Gwaine said carefully. “There was a man called Arthur who liked to have lots of fun. Then one day he went into a coffee shop and met a handsome barista…”

“What’s brista?”

“It’s the person in a coffee shop who makes the coffee. It’s Daddy.” Alex seemed happy with that, so Gwaine continued. “So, Arthur, who’s your Papa, decided that the best way to win your daddy’s heart was to complain about everything. He ordered a coffee, said it was too cold, then ordered another and said it was too hot, then ordered a sandwich and complained about that as well. Then your daddy told him that he wouldn’t know quality coffee if it was tipped over his head, and your papa said that they could test out that theory by going to some posh coffee place in the city that evening. And that was how your papa asked your daddy out, and somehow that evening they stopped arguing and fell in love and lived happily ever after. The end.”

“You told it wrong!” Alex complained, and the pout he gave was all Arthur.

Gwaine was pretty sure he _hadn’t_ told it wrong, because Leon had gone to lunch with Arthur that day and had witnessed the whole thing and come back home that evening laughing about it. Plus, it completely sounded like exactly the sort of thing Arthur would do.

“Really? How does your daddy tell it then?”

“Papa tells it.”

Ah, right, Arthur’s version of events.

“Can you tell it to me, so that I can tell Uncle Leon? Because, you know, Uncle Leon told me that story and he’s got it wrong. Silly Uncle Leon, right?”

“Silly,” Alex agreed.

“Tell me then,” Gwaine prompted.

“Papa went to get coffee an’ there was Daddy who was most boo… boot’ful man _ever_. And Papa was like prince and Daddy love him at once. Then they live here and happy ever after.”

Gwaine could well imagine the full version, which doubtless had Arthur sweeping Merlin off his feet with his charm and handsome fairy-tale prince-like qualities, and no prattish behaviour at all.

“That’s very good. Does Daddy laugh when Papa tells that story?” Gwaine asked innocently.

“Yes. Papa says it’s happy story.”

Gwaine could hardly wait until Arthur, Merlin and Leon were all back so that he could relate that one. Happy story indeed. If Merlin’s boss hadn’t stopped him Leon swore Merlin was about to test the coffee over the head theory!

He tucked Alex in, turned off the light, and settled down on the sofa in Arthur and Merlin’s lounge for the night.

At least now he could watch something decent.

\---

Arthur was back first thing the following morning. Not early enough for Gwaine to miss being poked in the eye by a small boy wanting him to wake up and make breakfast, but fairly early anyway. Arthur and Merlin’s new daughter was still in an incubator and would need support for a while. But she was growing stronger all the time, and all the signs were good so far. Her parents were going to take turns being at the hospital until she could come home.

It meant Gwaine could go back home too. He accepted a big hug from Alex, who was about to go and visit his daddy, and then headed back into the flat he shared with Leon. He closed the door and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Finally, his time was his own again. And in just a few hours Leon would be back so they could make good use of what was left of the weekend.

It was quiet. It was horribly, deadly quiet. In the corridor outside he could faintly hear Alex and Arthur making their way out. Better Arthur than him. Hopefully Alex had already gone peepee… No, Gwaine wasn’t going to start calling it that. He wasn’t three.

He poured himself a beer because he needed one after all that, and never mind if it was only ten thirty on a Sunday, collapsed onto the sofa and put the TV on. It was still set to the kiddies channel from last night so he quickly got rid of that and started to watch something with lots of fighting and car chases instead.

The morning dragged on and there was no sign of Leon. A work colleague was supposed to be dropping him off, so Gwaine hadn’t needed to go and pick him up (which was a shame because it would have been another excuse to use Leon’s car, and this time to go at a proper speed). Still, he’d expected Leon back before midday.

The movie finished. Still no word from Leon. Gwaine tried calling but it went straight to voicemail. And that was when he started to worry. He checked the news first, but thankfully there was no horrific accident being reported. He breathed a little easier, but it still didn’t explain where Leon was. The airport website reported that his plane had landed on time, nearly two hours earlier. Gwaine tried texting. Still nothing.

What if Leon had got fed up with him? What if he’d met someone else? What if all the business trips weren’t really business trips and just a cover for some secret liaison with someone rich and clever who wanted kids as much as Leon did and Leon was just trying to find a way to break it off with Gwaine? What if Leon never came home? No, no that was silly, it was Leon’s flat. It was _their_ flat… but Leon had bought it, Gwaine was effectively just a lodger who made a small contribution. Not a husband, not even a fiancé. Why wouldn’t Leon throw him out if someone better came along? Leon wanted to be like Arthur with his cosy loving family and stable, settled relationship. He might have enjoyed the pubs and clubs when he was younger, but they were in their early thirties now and all their friends were settled. With anyone but Gwaine, Leon would be settled too.

He tried the phone again. Still voicemail. He couldn’t even ask Arthur, because Arthur was at the hospital and would have his phone switched off, and anyway Arthur had enough on. Ah, the hospital… the new godchild…

Just as it occurred to Gwaine exactly where Leon might well have gone, there was the sound of the front door opening.

“Unca’ Gwaine!” Alex came tearing through the door and raced over to Gwaine, flinging his arms around Gwaine’s legs. “I’m big brother!”

Arthur and Leon followed him in, both looking pretty happy. Arthur looked tired, but that was hardly surprising. Leon raised an eyebrow when Gwaine lifted Alex up to hug him back. Okay, so he was fond of the little rugrat.

“You don’t need peepee, right?” he whispered, and Alex shook his head. Safe to keep holding onto him then.

“Uncle Gwaine’s the best, apparently,” Arthur told Leon. “Probably because it was like spending the day with another child.”

“I went to the hospital, couldn’t wait to see the baby,” Leon admitted, leaning around Alex to kiss his boyfriend. Alex immediately wriggled to be put down, and Gwaine obliged because he would never entirely trust Alex’s bladder ever again. “Sorry I’m a bit late. Arthur’s taking us out to lunch to thank you for looking after Alex. I gather you weren’t too bad at it.”

“Hurry up though,” Arthur urged. “I need to go back to the hospital in a few hours.” Alex ran over to him.

“I left messages,” Gwaine hissed to Leon as he picked up his jacket. “I didn’t know where you were!”

“Sorry.” And Leon did look sorry. “But how many times have I said that to you over the years?”

Gwaine didn’t really have an answer for that. But not so many times, not recently.

“I just wanted to see the new baby. She’s so tiny. I thought you’d guess where I’d gone.”

“I did, eventually. We could’ve gone together, later.”

Leon stopped in the doorway, obviously shocked. “You hate babies. Could never eat a whole one, that’s the stupid joke you’re always making.”

Gwaine shrugged. “Alex is okay. Now you can talk to him. And as long as you watch out for the peepee.”

“Do I want to know?”

“No.” Gwaine closed the door to the flat, but when he turned to follow Arthur Leon was still waiting for him, a curious expression on his face.

“So… does this mean you might change your mind?” Leon asked. “One day, I mean. Possibly. A long time from now.”

Gwaine shrugged, non-committal. Leon had the sense not to say anything else, but Gwaine could see the hopeful smile, and feel how tightly he was suddenly being held.

It didn’t mean that Gwaine was settling down or anything. It just meant maybe, one day, a long time in the future…

“Need peepee!” Alex wailed from the door to the stairs.

A very, very long time in the future…

 

 

 


End file.
